I Meant Harm
by Another Tracy
Summary: After "Take It Like Man" Mac decides to make some changes
1. The Breakdown

Title: I Meant Harm 1/? Author: Tracy Summary: H/M Shipper, in response to "Take It Like a Man". Picks up where that epi left off. This might suck, but I just couldn't let it alone. I had to write something after that! I haven't given up hope, but, whew, that was a tough one to take. Not beta'd. All mistakes are mine. PG (maybe PG-13)  
  
27 February 2004 22:00 Local Home of Clayton Webb  
  
"I love you, too, Sarah," Clay whispered, and leaned forward to kiss my temple. I put my head down so that my eyes wouldn't betray me.  
  
"Clay, I'm really tired," I said quietly. "I think I'll head home."  
  
"Stay, Sarah, you shouldn't be alone tonight."  
  
Little does he know, I'm alone even if I stay with him. I can't tell him the truth . . . I meant Harm. I love Clay, I do. But would I sell my soul to the Devil, as I did by killing Saddiq, for him? No.  
  
But the man that I've loved since our first assignment together? In a minute. I'd have joined the Devil in Hell for Harm.  
  
And what difference does it make? I don't have Harm. I have Clay. And what does Clay have? Damaged goods. I'm hollow inside. There's a hole in my heart where Harm has always been. We've been playing at friendship, and we're getting along. It's just not the same.  
  
"I'll call you tomorrow, Clay," I said, picking up my jacket. "Maybe we can have lunch."  
  
Did I really say that? Is that what you say to a man you've been sleeping with? 'We'll do lunch?' The hurt look in Clay's eyes told me that he knew. He's known all along. And he threw Harm in my face the other night, in case there was any question in either of our minds that he knew.  
  
"Sure, that would be great," Clay said half-heartedly, avoiding my eyes.  
  
As I maneuvered my car through the streets of Alexandria, away from Clay's condo, I found myself turning away from Georgetown, and driving toward Union Station. 'It's late' I told myself. 'I'll disturb him' I rationalized. 'He's probably spending quality time with Mattie' I lectured myself. The excuses carried me to the front door of his loft. I lifted my hand to knock, and  
  
"MAC! What are you doing here at this hour?" Harm is coming down the hall from the girls' apartment, obviously having said good night to his charge(s). I put my heart back in my chest from whence it leapt when he surprised the hell out of me.  
  
"Uhh, I was coming to see you to discuss, er . . . ah . . ." I looked like a deer caught in the headlights, and I could see Harm's brow furrow in concern. "Well . . . uh." To my utter and complete mortification, my eyes started to fill, and my throat started to close. Harm's eyes opened wide and as he turned the knob to let us into his apartment, his arm went around me and he drew me in with him.  
  
After he closed the door, he pulled me into his arms and held me more tightly than I think I've ever been held in my life. I couldn't have fought my way out of his embrace, and I can't imagine why I would want to. I felt safe; for the first time in months, safe.  
  
Unfortunately, his attempts at soothing me only made me cry harder. I realized how much I loved him in that moment and how undeserving I felt. I sobbed for us. I cried for me, for him, and yes, even for Clay. I cried for Paraguay, for "never", for every unkind word that had passed between us. I cried for lost chances, wasted time, and bruised hearts.  
  
Harm pulled back to look at me, but I just burrowed in deeper. "Hey, hey, hey?!?!" he said softly, pulling back successfully to wipe at my tears, and to lift my chin so he could look in my eyes. "What is all this?"  
  
"Harm," I pleaded with him, sniffling and then returning my head to his chest where it belonged (hopefully forever). "Please just hold me, please? I need you, more than I have ever needed anyone, I need you. Hold me please!"  
  
"I'm here, Sarah, I'm here," Harm soothed. "I'll always be here for you." His hand smoothed my hair, and moved to my back. He pulled back again to take my jacket off, and then, with his arm around me, led me to the couch. I was still crying just as hard as I had been when I walked through the door, and I was starting to get a headache, but I couldn't stop myself. It seemed so hopeless!  
  
Harm wrapped his arms around me again, and pulled his head to my shoulder. He whispered soft words of comfort and rocked me against him. My sobs dwindled to hiccups and as I felt his warmth surrounding me, his breath against my face, my eyes drifted closed and I drifted off into a peaceful sleep. 


	2. The BreakUp

28 February 2004 14:00 Local Home of Clayton Webb  
  
I stood in front of Clay's door, my hand poised to knock. I hesitated for a moment, gathering strength for what I knew I had to do. Finally, my wrist flexed and my knuckles rapped on the door three times. I heard a sound like something being knocked over and someone cursing. The door opened to reveal Clay looking like he hadn't slept, showered or shaved since I last saw him.  
  
"Hi, Clay," I said softly. "May I come in?"  
  
His eyes didn't seem to focus too well, but he stepped aside and allowed me to pass. When I came in, I could see that the coffee table was crooked, as if Clay must have stumbled against it. That would explain the noise that I heard from the hall. As I got closer I could see that a bottle of something had turned over and spilled all over the coffee table. It was the cana, the liquor I had mentioned to him the other night as being a souvenir from our nightmare in Paraguay.  
  
I turned to look back at Clay and realized he was drunk. He'd been drinking already? It was only two o'clock! Maybe my way of dealing with the pressure wasn't terribly healthy, but this was even worse. Having grown up with a drunk, I knew I couldn't let myself get caught up in this. Best to just say my piece and leave. Unfortunately, saying it to a drunk might mean he wouldn't remember, and I'd have to play to the same audience again in a few days.  
  
Clay staggered toward me and tried to put his arms around me. I put my hands on his shirt front and pushed him away gently. I then took his arm and pulled him over to sit on the sofa.  
  
"Whatsa matter, Sarah?" he slurred at me. "Not in the mood? Come on, let's have some fun!"  
  
Fortunately he was in no condition to try anything, so I just stood over him for a moment. It occurred to me that with a little push, he'd be flat on his back on the sofa, and I could walk out. But I had come with a purpose.  
  
Flashback . . . that morning  
  
When I woke in Harm's arms that morning, I was still deeply troubled by everything. But somehow my colossal problems seem to have been cut into manageable pieces in the face of Harm's support. He gave me a gentle push toward the shower, putting a pair of his sweat pants with a draw string waist and an old USNA sweatshirt on the bed for me to change into.  
  
After the shower and warm, clean clothes, my senses were assaulted by the smell of coffee, and breakfast foods. They all seemed to blend together, but I thought I smelled toast and eggs and . . . bacon? Mattie was sitting at the table and Harm had his back to me, dishing eggs out onto plates.  
  
"Good morning, Mac!" Mattie bubbled at me. "Coffee?"  
  
"Good morning, Mattie, yes, thank you, coffee would be great." I smiled at her, feeling a little funny as it was obvious that I had stayed the night, and was wearing her guardian's clothes.  
  
"I explained to Mattie how you came over last night to discuss a case, and we lost track of the time," Harm said to me pointedly, with a raised eyebrow.  
  
"Yeah, thanks for letting me crash here, Harm," I said casually, picking up the thread of his comments. It wouldn't do for his ward to think we had spent the night doing anything more than sleeping. And while that is all that happened, knowing that we spent the night in Harm's bed probably would work against us.  
  
"OK, guys, I'm off!" Mattie put my coffee down in front of me and then grabbed a piece of toast and started for the door. "I'll be home this afternoon, Harm. I'll be at the library with Dee this morning, and then her Mom is taking us to the mall this afternoon."  
  
"Mattie!" Harm called, stopping her in her tracks. She turned at the door to hear what he had to say. "I want you home for dinner, OK? I'd also like to hear how much progress you made on your research project when you get home. And I'm assuming you girls are researching your history paper, not boys!" The last was said with a smirk.  
  
Rolling her eyes, Mattie threw him a salute and went through the door.  
  
"You run a tight ship, Commander," I smiled at him, sipping the coffee and picking up a fork.  
  
Harm sat down beside me with a sigh. "She's doing OK in school, but I think she could do better. She doesn't seem to see the value in it. I know she has a lot of anger, and is dealing with so much. I don't want to come down too hard on her; I want her to enjoy being a teenager. But I worry that if she doesn't apply herself, she's limiting the options for her future. And, Mac," he looked to see if I understood what he was trying to say. "I want her to have a wonderful future. I want her to know that someone is there for her and always will be."  
  
My eyes started to fill, and I lowered my head to eat my breakfast. Harm sipped his coffee and doesn't seem bothered that I haven't responded to his comments. Does he know how hard it is to hear him say this, when all I can think is how jealous I am of Mattie. Why does she have Harm, and I had Joe MacKenzie?  
  
Harm changed the subject, but I wasn't pleased with this turn, either. "Mac, do you want to talk about what happened last night? What brought you here?"  
  
I continued to study my eggs carefully. He made them just the way I like. They're scrambled, which you think is easy. But Harm knows I like mine somewhere between runny and too hard. He teased me once that I must be Baby Bear. All of my stuff has to be "just right" and one day Goldilocks will come to take advantage of it all. The memory brought a smile to my face and I forgot everything else for just a moment. For that moment, it was just Harm and me, sharing breakfast, chatting like it was any other day, like Paraguay never happened, and we were a normal couple like anyone else. I looked up into those gray eyes and was lost in that safe and happy world.  
  
"Mac?" Harm looked a little bewildered, but he smiled faintly back at me.  
  
"Sorry, Harm," I replied carefully. "I wandered for a minute there. I'm sorry, too, that I'm not quite ready to talk. But I really appreciate you being here for me. For taking me in and being my good friend."  
  
"Any time, Mac, you know that," Harm said softly, concern again etched in his features. "Please know you can always come to me. When you are ready to talk, I'll be here."  
  
"Thanks, Harm," I said with conviction. I had been thinking in the shower about what I have to do. I knew I had to deal with Paraguay, and I had to deal with "never" and I had to deal with Saddiq and his death. And I knew I couldn't do it alone. I'll had to go back to the doctor at Bethesda.  
  
But there's something else I had to do. I had to end it with Clay. It wasn't fair to keep him hanging on when I knew he wasn't the man for me. I suspected, too, that being with him was prolonging the pain of Paraguay and the whole experience with Saddiq. I needed to put that behind me, which meant I had to put Clay behind me.  
  
End of Flashback . . .  
  
"Clay, I need to tell you something." 


	3. Moving On

29 February 2004 11:30 Local Home of Sarah MacKenzie  
  
I was hunched over my desk, paper before me; pen in hand, presently occupied between my teeth. I was chewing not only on the end of the pen, but what I was going to say. I had my say yesterday with Clay, but considering he passed out about halfway through my speech, I decided I would follow-up with a note. I really didn't want to see him again. Under the circumstances, I didn't think that it was heartless to break up with a guy with a note if you'd made a good faith effort to do so in person.  
  
"Dear Clay,  
  
After my visit last night, I thought it might be a good idea to send you this note to reaffirm what I said. If you remember what I said, you can just stop now and throw this note away. I don't mean to 'rub it in' but I also don't want there to be any misunderstandings between us.  
  
While I do love you for all you did for me in Paraguay, and since, I'm afraid that I don't love you in the way that . . . "  
  
I went on to reiterate everything I said in his apartment the day before. After adding a postscript to clarify that I didn't want to see him, and would refuse any mission posed by the CIA either to me, or to my commanding officer, I sealed it, addressed it, put a stamp on it, and put it in my handbag. I decided I would take it to the post office that afternoon.  
  
I moved to the kitchen for a fresh cup of tea. I had decided to switch from my beloved coffee to try to help calm my nerves and to sleep a little better at night. I was starting to feel better; better than I had since before Saddiq started stalking me. The emotions were still swirling around, but having decided to go back to the doctor for more therapy and ending things with Clay gave me some sense that I was moving forward, and putting the bad times behind me. I was accepting the things I couldn't change, and changing the things I could. Thank God that, at least with Clay, I had the wisdom to know the difference.  
  
I moved to the kitchen table, opening the newspaper when the phone rang. I tried not to let it affect me, but there was no mistaking the rapid beat of my heart when I saw "Rabb, Harmon" appear on the caller ID.  
  
"Hi, Harm," I chirped cheerfully into the phone, surprised to realize that the enthusiasm in my voice was real for the first time in weeks.  
  
"Hi, Mac," his warm baritone greeted me. "How are you feeling today?" "I'm doing pretty good, Harm," I responded truthfully. I hoped he could hear the difference in my voice. "Thanks for asking, and thanks for everything you've done for me lately. I do appreciate it."  
  
"Anytime, Tiger," Harm said, a little laugh in his voice. "I like that nickname, and I think it's a keeper."  
  
I laughed out loud, and it felt so good. "All right, all right, if it makes you happy, I guess it's a small price to pay."  
  
"Listen, Mac, the reason I called is that Mattie & Jen want to go to the movies and suggested you might join us. Maybe we'll go out to eat after?"  
  
"That sounds like fun, Harm, what are we going to see?" And it did sound like fun. It was just what I needed: to get out of my head for a little while.  
  
"Well, the girls want to see what sounds a lot like a chick flick, I think it's called '50 First Dates' or something like that," Harm sounded less than thrilled. "I was hoping you might keep me company in something a little more substantial."  
  
"What did you have in mind?"  
  
"Did you see that Jack Nicholson movie?" he asked hopefully.  
  
"Harm, 'Something's Gotta Give" is probably a chick flick, too," I laughed merrily at his dilemma.  
  
"Well, at least it sounds a little more mature," he responded defensively.  
  
"Harm, thanks for asking me. I'd love to go," I said, injecting as much warmth into my voice as I could. "I've wanted to see that for a while."  
  
We agreed that they would pick me up at 13:00 for an early afternoon show, and we'd go out for dinner at the Friday's near the theater after the show. After hanging up the phone, with a bounce in my step I hadn't felt in a long time, I set about cleaning up the apartment, and getting ready for our outing.  
  
Same day 18:05 Georgetown  
  
As Harm pulled the SUV onto my street we were still laughing at Mattie's story of a 'really dorky guy at school' who would eat anything that wasn't tied down or freshly painted. I looked into my bag for my keys and heard Harm mutter a soft 'shit'. I looked up to see Clayton Webb leaning against his car parked right in front of my building.  
  
"Shit" I whispered.  
  
tbc 


	4. Approaching Serenity

Title: I Meant Harm 4/4 Author: Tracy Rating: PG-13 See disclaimers in Chapter 1. I wasn't sure how long this was going to go on, but in the middle of writing this Chapter decided that I could tie it all up here.  
  
29 February 2004 19:35 Local Georgetown  
  
I heard Harm's footsteps coming down the hall, and in anticipation of his knock, I rose to answer the door. As I pulled the door toward me I found him raising his hand to knock. His momentum brought him right into the room with a very surprised look on his face.  
  
"Mac!"  
  
"Hi, Harm," I smiled and stepped aside to let him in. "Right on time."  
  
When Harm dropped me off earlier, it was on the condition that he would return in an hour and a half, ostensibly to bring me some dessert that we were supposed to have had at his place after stopping at my place for my overnight bag. While waiting for the girls to get out of their movie Harm had offered for me to stay over if I was still having trouble sleeping. I tried to be blasé about it, but in my heart I leapt at the chance.  
  
By setting a time limit, Harm made it clear that he was in full-blown overprotective mode, and wanted to check on me. Although I knew I'd be fine, I did appreciate his thoughtfulness. And even more, I appreciated the excuse for a time limit on my conversation with Clay.  
  
As suspected, he didn't remember the conversation of the day before. It was difficult, but I stuck to my guns and let him down as gently as I could. He didn't seem too surprised, but did try to convince me that I'd be better off with him than with Harm. I didn't even try to correct his assumption that I'd chosen Harm. Whether or not we could work things out, I'd fought it long enough. Harm was my soul mate, and that was one of the things I had accepted that I could not change.  
  
"Are you OK?" Harm asked, putting his hands on my upper arms in as if to pull me into an embrace.  
  
"I'm fine, Harm," I reassured him with a smile to confirm my words. "Clay left about a half an hour ago."  
  
"Is everything OK between you two?" It was obvious he was holding his breath, waiting for my answer. I didn't want there to be any mistake about who was available, and who wasn't.  
  
"Everything is over between us," I said. "And I think it's best for everyone concerned." Harm didn't say anything. I continued, "Harm, there's something else you should know." I put my arms up and rested them on his biceps as he had done with me.  
  
He looked as if he wasn't too sure he wanted to hear what I had to say.  
  
"I told Clay that I would refuse any future assignment of any kind with the CIA. I told him that I would refuse that assignment no matter who requested it, including my commanding officer," I finished, my voice sounding a little shaky at the end.  
  
"Mac . . ." Harm started, but I interrupted him.  
  
"I'm going to meet with the Admiral tomorrow to discuss it with him. I won't make it like a threat or anything," I responded in a rush. "I think he'll understand, Harm, I really do."  
  
"I wasn't going to question your judgment, Mac," Harm said, sliding his arms around me and pulling me into the hug that I needed so desperately. "I agree with your decision, and I think you're right. I'm sure the Admiral will back you up."  
  
I relaxed against him, my head resting over his heart. I could hear his heartbeat soothing me, reassuring me that I was safe as long as I was with him.  
  
He pulled back to look into my eyes. Our gazes locked for a long minute before he said "So, I brought you some of the chocolate cake the girls baked earlier today. I think a couple of glasses of milk are in order, Marine." His gentle smile warmed me through and through.  
  
"Mmmm, you sure know the way to a girl's heart," my smile answered his as I slipped from his arms and moved toward the kitchen. He picked up the bag that he'd set down when he came in the door and followed me. As I pulled out some glasses and the milk from the fridge, Harm pulled out plates, forks, and napkins.  
  
As we settled down to eat our dessert at the table, Harm covered my hand with his, and his grey eyes locked on mine. "Look, Mac, I don't want to pressure you. But I do want to remind you that when you are ready to talk, I'm here."  
  
"Thanks, Harm, I really appreciate that," I decided to take the first steps toward healing our relationship by letting him in, at least a little. "I would like to share a few things with you, but I hope you'll understand if I need to take this slowly?"  
  
Harm nodded, and after a deep breath, I continued, "The Admiral insisted that I see a psychiatrist at Bethesda. Initially I thought it was a waste of time, but I can't kid myself anymore. I need to deal with what happened in Paraguay, and killing Saddiq."  
  
Harm cocked his head a little, but didn't say anything. It was a gesture of empathy, I thought, and it made me feel good that he was respecting my need to get these things off my chest without too many questions. He wasn't pressuring me, as he'd said he wouldn't.  
  
"I realize now that I've been running away from a lot of things in my life, for a long time. Good things, bad things, just the simple realities that other people take for granted. I don't want to do that any more. I want to understand why I have these fears, and I want to conquer them, if I can. Or at least try to control them somewhat."  
  
Harm nodded supportively, and squeezed my hand again to reassure me that he was not only listening, but hearing me as well.  
  
"Harm, if you didn't already know it," I wasn't sure if I had the nerve to say this, but if I thought about it too much, I knew I wouldn't. Best to just blurt it out, if I could. "You are one of the things I've been running away from. One of the good things."  
  
Harm leaned back in his chair, surprised, but not too surprised, I thought. His eyes were still locked on mine, but then his gaze dropped, unsure.  
  
"Harm," I needed him to look at me. "Harm, I know you wouldn't know it for the way I've behaved for the last year . . . but . . . I do love you."  
  
"I know that, Mac, and you know that I love you." It was an automatic response.  
  
"No, Harm, I don't think you understand me," I insisted. "I mean that I REALLY love you, and I'm in love with you, and I always have been. If you don't love me, then I'll find a way to deal with it. But I can't go another minute on this planet without telling you that I love you." By this time I was babbling and the tears were trickling down my face, and my nose was starting to run. Harm picked up a paper napkin and started to wipe my face. He grasped my hand again, and got up from the table. He pulled me up with him, and into his arms.  
  
"Oh, Sarah," he whispered into my ear. "I love you too, my beautiful girl, I love you too." I could feel his lips on my temple, then my eye lid, then on my cheek, and then finally over my own lips in a gentle and loving kiss.  
  
"Harm, I don't know how this is going to work out," I ran my finger along his lower lip. "But I know that whatever comes, I can handle it if I have you by my side."  
  
"What about being on top?" Harm said softly, smiling at me with shining eyes.  
  
"How about if we take turns?" I offered. He nodded thoughtfully, still smiling, and pulled me to him again in a tender kiss.  
  
The End 


End file.
